You can do anything for one day!

I think that it would be easy to say "I need to get a gym membership and start working out, I'm getting a little squishier around the edges than I would like". But, I now realize it is more than that. I am writing this post and putting my feelings out into the world, so I would appreciate kind words or criticism only.

I am a mom now, motherhood does things to your mind that I never realized. I never realized how my being overweight could affect my future, nor did I think it was hurting anyone. I now realize though that it can, and will if I don't learn to change it. As a parent, my job is to teach. I am teaching my son everyday to learn to eat, and be active. He will imitate and model my behaviour into his childhood.

 I don't usually feel like I am terribly overweight but then when I see pictures of myself I don't see the same person that I feel like. It's like a complete stranger is looking back at me. It's the weirdest feeling, I don't know if anyone relates to this but it's like I'm trapped inside the body of a fat woman that I don't know. I want to not only learn to be a more fit person but I need to learn to love myself. The hardest person for me to love is myself. I see all of my faults and short comings and I can seem to control everyone and everything except myself.

I realized that I had a problem when I noticed that I can lie to myself. I can have a smoothie, or a cookie and think "No one saw it, so it doesn't mean I ate it. " How freaking ass backwards is that?! I never realized how weird it was, then one day I just woke up and thought, "Crap man, I made myself fat." I made myself fat. Every bite I take is what effects my waistline. I think that I have a problem within myself, mentally that is contributing to my lack of control over the food I eat.

 I want to be able to find a healthy relationship with food so that I can pass it on to my son and feel confident that we are living a lifestyle that will set him up for a positive future. I truly never realized that I, myself, and only me made myself fat. I would like to find a supportive group of people that will not ask me to go eat an ice cream or drink a beer because god knows I will.

I from this day forward am going to vow to TRY my hardest to overcome this. I feel like I can do anything for one day. So this will be my motto. "You can do anything for one day!". If you want to help me stay on track, offer advice, take me on a long walk, whatever- I'm up for it.

I need to save my own life.

Second hair cut

We just got your second hair cut, and man, your hair was scraggly!

It was almost a full on mullet!

After a short ride on moms lap at the salon it's nice and short again.

You look so handsome!

and the night before your hair cut I captured this little picture. You were so hot so I didn't put pajamas on. You looked like such a little boy though.

Our first little fam bam bacation! Vacation, What?

Dear Noah,

HAPPY FIRST FAMILY VACATION!

Is that a thing?

I think I just made it one. 

Whew! I have been feeling overwhelmed as of late. I love being a mommy, and I also wanted to be able to provide for my family so that we can have nice things someday so I am pursuing my teaching degree. I just calculated that I have now been in school for 3 years and I don't have a degree yet. I decided to go back to school full time and this last term I took 16 credits, and I have you. Being 15 months old right now, you are a heck of a hand full sometimes. I forgot what it was like to be a student, after being able to just enjoy being a mom, waking up, cooking you breakfast and playing with you all day. Now I have large assignments and deadlines. I sometimes just miss being able to grab you up into bed and snuggle you for the morning.


I noticed that dad was looking just as overwhelmed as I was. Being a daddy and having to provide for us all is a hard job, and he does such a wonderful job. I wanted to be able to reward us with our first family vacation.


Since you were born last February we haven't left the Rogue Valley together, in fact the furthest you have ever been from home is your grandparents house. I decided to book us a house at the coast for three days. I looked around and called and was surprised that there were places that didn't take children! I also had to bring the dog Bernie, because without him, we don't feel like a full family. He was my kid before having kids and I am so pleased with how much he loves *cough* and tolerates *cough* you.


I found a place called Whales Head that is just outside of Brookings where daddy and I started. When dad and I first met we stayed in Brookings on our first trip, we moved there together when dad opened his first At&t store and then found out we were having you when we lived there. So the coast has always had a home like effect for me. It was where we fell in love and where our lives began to change with you.


I was so excited for our trip, dad had been pretty sick but he wanted to get out too. So we packed everybody except for the cat into our car and headed to the beach.

ROAD TRIP!

The first day we got there we left off the t.v., ate some smart shop sammies (my favorite sandwiches when I was pregnant with you in Brookings) and spent time together.

You spent time sitting and reading with dad. (about 30 seconds at a time "UP, DOWN, UP DOWN!)

Dad decided to go to the bookshelf to look for some kid movies.

 You always do this thing...

When you see an opportunity to use something as a seat, you seize this moment.

You waddle your little buns in a duck like motion (always backwards) and plop onto your new chair.

It just so happens that.....

IT WAS DADS HEAD!

We loved watching you out on the deck, you kept bouncing on pillows and giggling away. You loved kicking up your feet on the chairs and relaxing while you ate your lunch.

Day #2 We woke up and played games like usual :) Dad and I put you in the bedroom so you could sleep and we could sit out on the balcony and talk but after we put you to bed. We just ended up passing out too!

(you needed a haircut )

After, we headed off to the aquarium. Where we forced you to pretend to surf on the little surf board. Your balance is about as good as mine, so dad took this picture with you :)

You got to pet sea anemones and starfish (but really I think you just liked to splash in the water)

You looked at fish

and even pet a shark!

(Don't worry, it was just a baby, and they don't bite).

AND

You picked out rocks.

Rocks seem to be your very favorite thing in the world. You find them wherever we go and keep them until we get home so mom got you a very small bag which was also VERY expensive for 4 rocks.

Before we left the coast we stopped by the beach so you could experience sand for the first time. Bernie ran as far as he could kicking up sand, and all you wanted to do is sit down and let it slip between your fingers and watch it fall back and disappear into the rest.

You sat in the sand and picked up big balls of moist sand and would throw them hard and look side to side wondering where they went.

I am so thankful for these moments together little boy.

You are such a wonderful blessing to me, I am lucky to be your mom.

Darn diapers

If you're a parent you know one thing about diapers and the dreaded diaper genie.

 It doesn't smell like poop.

 No, the diaper smell is far more sinister than you can imagine.

Try thinking of old broccoli left out in a hot outhouse.

Well this smell is far too familiar to me. Today I was sitting on my bed studying and trying to work on a project and all I can smell is that dreaded diaper smell.

 I have torn my room apart and there is no diaper in sight!

Where is this diaper.

 I must know.

So now, I have taken out all of the trash and cleaned all of the baby blankets in his room and I still can smell it.

 I am starting to believe that my nose has been permanently burned with this pungent diaper smell that it will never leave.

Have diapers ever disappeared on you??

Dear Noah,

May 21, 2012

When we began this journey it all started in Brookings, Oregon.

 I found out I was pregnant after taking about 7 pregnancy tests.

I had never been so sick in my life, the nausea was awful.

We left the morning after I found out I was pregnant to an Imogen Heap concert in Portland, Oregon.

The smell from the fog machines kept me in the bathroom most of the concert.

The next months went by pretty slow, we had an OB in Brookings and after looking at their medical facilities we decided it would be best to move back to Medford, OR.

I was put on bed rest towards the end of my pregnancy around 27-30 weeks.

I continued to have contractions and early labor signs throughout the weeks.

By my 34 week check up I was 8 cm dilated and 50% effaced.
By 36 weeks I was 10 cm and 100% effaced.

(which means pretty much a speed bump could have made you join the world)

I woke up the morning you were born (before I knew you would be born)and didn't feel right.

Dad had already left to go to work and I was alone. I called the doctor because I thought my water broke but they told me to stay home that it didn't sound like it did.

By noon I realized something wasn't right, I was vomiting nonstop and had a fever of 104. I called my mom (your grandma Marna) and had her come take me to the hospital.

When I walked into the hospital I was having bad contractions, I told the woman at the desk my water broke and I was in labor. She told me to take a seat, she filed her nails while I waited and talked on the phone. (Regardless of what anyone tells you, I was patient)

About 20 minutes later the nurse brought me back to the room. She checked my temperature and immediately admitted me. Everything went fast from this point. The doctor recommended that we have a C-Section because they estimated that you would be 12-13 pounds and your head was larger than my hips in the ultra sound.

Dad had to rush to the hospital because I was already being prepped for surgery. He came in the room and his face was white. He looked so nervous.

I headed into the OR and got prepped. I had a spinal and then laid down. Dad came in after that. (BEWARE:SCARY PICTURE COMING UP)




I remember the pressure from having you pulled out, I remember waiting to hear your cry. And when I did, I remember crying too.

y

I wanted to see your face, they brought you over and lifted you over the surgical sheet so I could see you.

This rush of emotion was the greatest I have ever felt.
After this moment you were weighed and I was stapled up. We met back at the room where we began.

(you were 8 lbs 10oz)

Born around 2 p.m.

I couldn't hold you yet, my arms were heavy and weak because I was so sick before I came to the hospital and even weaker from the medicine that they gave me. But I saw your beautiful feet sitting on the side of the incubator. You pressed your toes to the sides and stretched as far as you could reach.

That night you were taken to the NICU because we found out that my water had broken several hours before we went to the hospital and we just didn't know. Your blood had been poisoned and you were having trouble breathing because your lungs weren't developed since you were only 36 weeks.

A nurse snuck you in that night after midnight and laid you on my chest. I didn't get to hold you long but I could tell you were beautiful.

The next 8 days you were kept in the NICU and I couldn't come see you because I was sick and I could make the other babies sick too.
I got to hold you for the first time on my own after three days.

I never knew how much I wanted you until I didn't know if I would get to have you. The moment that I was wheeled into the NICU by your incubator was the most scared I have ever been.

You looked fragile. You were the first newborn I have ever held.

The tubes and wires made it difficult between the two of us to not get tangled and I did my best to come by and see you everyday.

We were in the hospital a total of 16 days.
While in the hospital I found out that I would never live through another labor so I couldn't have anymore babies.
I got to take you home on February 16th.

Dad and I were sitting and talking lately about how we wish that we could record all of the daily things that go on so that you can reflect on them when you get older and know what we did and how you felt about everything we did.


I have to tell you that when I started this journey, I had no idea what it would be like.

The day that I found out I was going to have a baby I was so scared and excited (mostly scared....pretty much just scared) today my life is so much different than I ever imagined.

You helped me learn what I wanted to do in life and what type of person I would like to be.

 I am always trying to continue improving myself and our life to make sure you get the very best of me that I can give.

Today you are exactly 1 year, 3 months and 20 days old.

 You are walking and running and making messes everywhere you turn.

We just got your second hair cut  this weekend and this time you didn't cry!

(Unlike this day :)

You can say so many words. "mama, dada, purple, green, blue, dog, kitty, bernie, lilly, duck, quack, arf arf, meow, moo, rawr like a dinosaur, up, down, door, eyes, mouth, teeth, milk, baba, all done, car, truck, vrroom, meemee, so many more I could go on forever.

 Today you got up and we went and explored in the car which is one of your favorite things to do. When we got home we just sat on the floor and played with your toys for hours.

 Your favorite thing to do is go out on the back deck and search for bugs, you're such a boy.

 I can now walk to your bedroom and sit in the rocking chair and ask you to come to bed and you will come right over with your blanket crawl up into my chest and fall asleep.

 I never knew that I could love something as much as I love you.

 I will try to write to you everyday so that we can have something to look back on together.

 I am going to go check on you in your crib to make sure your blanket didn't fall off again before I head to bed.

I love you little boy.
Sweet dreams.
Love mommy.